The best jokes ever about New York City
Gems from David Cross, Woody Allen, Emo Philips, and more.
My fave joke about NYC comes from David Cross:
In New York, you are constantly faced with this very urgent, quick decision that you have to make about every 20 minutes. And it doesn’t matter where you are—indoors, outdoors, f*ckin’ in a park, in a museum, in a restaurant…. About every 20 minutes, immediately, you have to go, “[Gasp] Oh my god. Do I look at the most beautiful woman in the world or the craziest guy in the world? Look at her; she’s f*cking beautiful! But look at him, he’s wearing orange footie pajamas and he’s got tinfoil on his head and he’s playing a Casio!”
Vulture offers up “150+ Classic Jokes About New York and Los Angeles.”
“My love life is terrible. The last time I was inside a woman was when I visited the Statue of Liberty.”
-Woody Allen
And here’s a collection of some of the best jokes about NYC:
“I was on the train. I made eye contact with this woman. The train stopped, and she got off and moved to another car. Which was a good move on her part, because I definitely was about to pull my d*ck out. So great intuition, random lady on the train! Good call. But’s it’s my move now; I got legs too. What’s up? Not gonna foil my creepy plans that easily! I’m dedicated to this.”
-Hannibal Buress…
“I’ve been living in the city for 15 years; I have no idea where the train is going. The worst is when the train goes express on a whim. Like mid-ride, they decide, Let’s not stop. Why are we stoppin’? Let’s just go. And let’s not tell them either. Or let’s tell them as the doors are closing. [Closing doors sound] ‘Next stop 205th Street.’ The worst thing is you can’t really react, you know? I can’t go, 'Oh my god, somebody help me! I don’t belong on this train! That’s not my area up there!' You can’t do that. When you get there, you gotta get out like, Alright, I’m home. Yeah. Good to be back on 6 trillionth street.”
-Louis C.K.…
“New York’s such a wonderful city. Although I was at the library today. The guy was very rude. I said, ‘I’d like a card.’ He said, ‘You have to prove you're a citizen of New York.’ So I stabbed him.”
-Emo Philips
Yet even more jokes about NYC.
And speaking of NYC, here’s me performing at the legendary Beacon Theater. What a room.
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